the world i live in-海伦·凯勒自传(英文版)-第13章

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forgotten　that　with　the　fingers　I　see　only　a　very　small　portion　of　a
surface；　and　that　I　must　pass　my　hand　continually　over　it　before　my
touch　grasps　the　whole。　It　is　still　more　important；　however；　to　remember
that　my　imagination　is　not　tethered　to　certain　points；　locations；　and
distances。　It　puts　all　the　parts　together　simultaneously　as　if　it　saw　or
knew　instead　of　feeling　them。　Though　I　feel　only　a　small　part　of　my
horse　at　a　time；……my　horse　is　nervous　and　does　not　submit　to　manual
explorations；……yet；　because　I　have　many　times　felt　hock；　nose；　hoof　and
mane；　I　can　see　the　steeds　of　Phoebus　Apollo　coursing　the　heavens。

With　such　a　power　active　it　is　impossible　that　my　thought　should　be
vague；　indistinct。　It　must　needs　be　potent；　definite。　This　is　really　a
corollary　of　the　philosophical　truth　that　the　real　world　exists　only　for
the　mind。　That　is　to　say；　I　can　never　touch　the　world　in　its　entirety；
indeed；　I　touch　less　of　it　than　the　portion　that　others　see　or　hear。　But
all　creatures；　all　objects；　pass　into　my　brain　entire；　and　occupy　the
same　extent　there　that　they　do　in　material　space。　I　declare　that　for　me
branched　thoughts；　instead　of　pines；　wave；　sway；　rustle；　make　musical
the　ridges　of　mountains　rising　summit　upon　summit。　Mention　a　rose　too
far　away　for　me　to　smell　it。　Straightway　a　scent　steals　into　my
nostril；　a　form　presses　against　my　palm　in　all　its　dilating　softness；
with　rounded　petals；　slightly　curled　edges；　curving　stem；　leaves
drooping。　When　I　would　fain　view　the　world　as　a　whole；　it　rushes　into
vision……man；　beast；　bird；　reptile；　fly；　sky；　ocean；　mountains；　plain；
rock；　pebble。　The　warmth　of　life；　the　reality　of　creation　is　over
all……the　throb　of　human　hands；　glossiness　of　fur；　lithe　windings　of　long
bodies；　poignant　buzzing　of　insects；　the　ruggedness　of　the　steeps　as　I
climb　them；　the　liquid　mobility　and　boom　of　waves　upon　the　rocks。
Strange　to　say；　try　as　I　may；　I　cannot　force　my　touch　to　pervade　this
universe　in　all　directions。　The　moment　I　try；　the　whole　vanishes；　only
small　objects　or　narrow　portions　of　a　surface；　mere　touch…signs；　a　chaos
of　things　scattered　at　random；　remain。　No　thrill；　no　delight　is　excited
thereby。　Restore　to　the　artistic；　prehensive　internal　sense　its
rightful　domain；　and　you　give　me　joy　which　best　proves　the　reality。




BEFORE　THE　SOUL　DAWN




XI

BEFORE　THE　SOUL　DAWN


BEFORE　my　teacher　came　to　me；　I　did　not　know　that　I　am。　I　lived　in　a
world　that　was　a　no…world。　I　cannot　hope　to　describe　adequately　that
unconscious；　yet　conscious　time　of　nothingness。　I　did　not　know　that　I
knew　aught；　or　that　I　lived　or　acted　or　desired。　I　had　neither　will　nor
intellect。　I　was　carried　along　to　objects　and　acts　by　a　certain　blind
natural　impetus。　I　had　a　mind　which　caused　me　to　feel　anger；
satisfaction；　desire。　These　two　facts　led　those　about　me　to　suppose
that　I　willed　and　thought。　I　can　remember　all　this；　not　because　I　knew
that　it　was　so；　but　because　I　have　tactual　memory。　It　enables　me　to
remember　that　I　never　contracted　my　forehead　in　the　act　of　thinking。　I
never　viewed　anything　beforehand　or　chose　it。　I　also　recall　tactually
the　fact　that　never　in　a　start　of　the　body　or　a　heart…beat　did　I　feel
that　I　loved　or　cared　for　anything。　My　inner　life；　then；　was　a　blank
without　past；　present；　or　future；　without　hope　or　anticipation；　without
wonder　or　joy　or　faith。

　　　　　　　　　　It　was　not　night……it　was　not　day。

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　。　　　　　　　。　　　　　　　。　　　　　　　。　　　　　　　。

　　　　　　　　　　But　vacancy　absorbing　space；
　　　　　　　　　　And　fixedness；　without　a　place；
　　　　　　　　　　There　were　no　stars……no　earth……no　time……
　　　　　　　　　　No　check……no　change……no　good……no　crime。

My　dormant　being　had　no　idea　of　God　or　immortality；　no　fear　of　death。

I　remember；　also　through　touch；　that　I　had　a　power　of　association。　I
felt　tactual　jars　like　the　stamp　of　a　foot；　the　opening　of　a　window　or
its　closing；　the　slam　of　a　door。　After　repeatedly　smelling　rain　and
feeling　the　disfort　of　wetness；　I　acted　like　those　about　me：　I　ran　to
shut　the　window。　But　that　was　not　thought　in　any　sense。　It　was　the　same
kind　of　association　that　makes　animals　take　shelter　from　the　rain。　From
the　same　instinct　of　aping　others；　I　folded　the　clothes　that　came　from
the　laundry；　and　put　mine　away；　fed　the　turkeys；　sewed　bead…eyes　on　my
doll's　face；　and　did　many　other　things　of　which　I　have　the　tactual
remembrance。　When　I　wanted　anything　I　liked；……ice…cream；　for　instance；
of　which　I　was　very　fond；……I　had　a　delicious　taste　on　my　tongue　（which；
by　the　way；　I　never　have　now）；　and　in　my　hand　I　felt　the　turning　of　the
freezer。　I　made　the　sign；　and　my　mother　knew　I　wanted　ice…cream。　I
〃thought〃　and　desired　in　my　fingers。　If　I　had　made　a　man；　I　should
certainly　have　put　the　brain　and　soul　in　his　finger…tips。　From
reminiscences　like　these　I　conclude　that　it　is　the　opening　of　the　two
faculties；　freedom　of　will；　or　choice；　and　rationality；　or　the　power　of
thinking　from　one　thing　to　another；　which　makes　it　possible　to　e　into
being　first　as　a　child；　afterwards　as　a　man。

Since　I　had　no　power　of　thought；　I　did　not　pare　one　mental　state　with
another。　So　I　was　not　conscious　of　any　change　or　process　going　on　in　my
brain　when　my　teacher　began　to　instruct　me。　I　merely　felt　keen　delight
in　obtaining　more　easily　what　I　wanted　by　means　of　the　finger　motions
she　taught　me。　I　thought　only　of　objects；　and　only　objects　I　wanted。　It
was　the　turning　of　the　freezer　on　a　larger　scale。　When　I　learned　the
meaning　of　〃I〃　and　〃me〃　and　found　that　I　was　something；　I　began　to
think。　Then　consciousness　first　existed　for　me。　Thus　it　was　not　the
sense　of　touch　that　brought　me　knowledge。　It　was　the　awakening　of　my
soul　that　first　rendered　my　senses　their　value；　their　cognizance　of
objects；　names；　qualities；　and　properties。　Thought　made　me　conscious　of
love；　joy；　and　all　the　emotions。　I　was　eager　to　know；　then　to
understand；　afterward　to　reflect　on　what　I　knew　and　understood；　and　the
blind　impetus；　which　had　before　driven　me　hither　and　thither　at　the
dictates　of　my　sensations；　vanished　forever。

I　cannot　represent　more　clearly　than　any　one　else　the　gradual　and　subtle
changes　from　first　impressions　to　abstract　ideas。　But　I　know　that　my
physical　ideas；　that　is；　ideas　derived　from　material　objects；　appear　to
me　first　an　idea　similar　to　those　of　touch。　Instantly　they　pass　into
intellectual　meanings。　Afterward　the　meaning　finds　expression　in　what　is
called　〃inner　speech。〃　When　I　was　a　child；　my　inner　speech　was　inner
spelling。　Although　I　am　even　now　frequently　caught　spelling　to　myself　on
my　fingers；　yet　I　talk　to　myself；　too；　with　my　lips；　and　it　is　true　that
when　I　first　learned　to　speak；　my　mind　discarded　the　finger…symbols　and
began　to　articulate。　However；　when　I　try　to　recall　what　some　one　has
said　to　me；　I　am　conscious　of　a　hand　spelling　into　mine。

It　has　often　been　asked　what　were　my　earliest　impressions　of　the　world
in　which　I　found　myself。　But　one　who　thinks　at　all　of　his　first
impressions　knows　what　a　riddle　this　is。　Our　impressions　grow　and　change
unnoticed；　so　that　what　we　suppose　we　thought　as　children　may　be　quite
different　from　what　we　actually　experienced　in　our　childhood。　I　only
kno