首发偶发空缺 (临时空缺)-第118章

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；　a　nasty　thought；　yet　people　took　it　into　their　heads　to　visit　and　bring　flowers；　as　though　it　might　yet　recover。

She　had　got　up　to　get　tissues。　Outside　on　the　lawn；　the　twins　had　switched　to　sharing　a　set　of　headphones；　their　heads　bobbing　up　and　down　in　time　to　the　same　song。

‘So　Miles　got　Barry’s　seat；’　she　said。　‘I　could　hear　the　celebrations　all　the　way　up　here　last　night。’

‘Well；　it　was　Howard’s　…　yeah；　that’s　right；’　said　Gavin。

‘And　Pagford’s　nearly　rid　of　the　Fields；’　she　said。

‘Yeah；　looks　like　it。’

‘And　now　Miles　is　on　the　council；　it’ll　be　easier　to　close　Bellchapel；’　she　said。

Gavin　always　had　to　remind　himself　what　Bellchapel　was；　he　had　no　interest　in　these　issues　at　all。

‘Yeah；　I　suppose　so。’

‘So　everything　Barry　wanted　is　finished；’　she　said。

Her　tears　had　dried　up；　and　the　patches　of　high　angry　colour　had　returned　to　her　cheeks。

‘I　know；’　he　said。　‘It’s　really　sad。’

‘I　don’t　know；’　she　said；　still　flushed　and　angry。　‘Why　should　Pagford　pick　up　the　bills　for　the　Fields？　Barry　only　ever　saw　one　side　of　it。　He　thought　everyone　in　the　Fields　was　like　him。　He　thought　Krystal　Weedon　was　like　him；　but　she　wasn’t。　It　never　occurred　to　him　that　people　in　the　Fields　might　be　happy　where　they　are。’

‘Yeah；’　said　Gavin；　overjoyed　that　she　disagreed　with　Barry；　and　feeling　as　if　the　shadow　of　his　grave　had　lifted　from　between　them；　‘I　know　what　you　mean。　From　all　I’ve　heard　about　Krystal　Weedon—’

‘She　got　more　of　his　time　and　his　attention　than　his　own　daughters；’　said　Mary。　‘And　she　never　even　gave　a　penny　for　his　wreath。　The　girls　told　me。　The　whole　rowing　team　chipped　in；　except　Krystal。　And　she　didn’t　e　to　his　funeral；　even；　after　all　he’d　done　for　her。’

‘Yeah；　well；　that　shows—’

‘I’m　sorry；　but　I　can’t　stop　thinking　about　it　all；’　she　said　freically。　‘I　can’t　stop　thinking　that　he’d　still　want　me　to　worry　about　bloody　Krystal　Weedon。　I　can’t　get　past　it。　All　the　last　day　of　his　life；　and　he　had　a　headache　and　he　didn’t　do　anything　about　it；　writing　that　bloody　article！’

‘I　know；’　said　Gavin。　‘I　know。　I　think；’　he　said；　with　a　sense　of　putting　his　foot　tentatively　on　an　old　rope　bridge；　‘it’s　a　bloke　thing。　Miles　is　the　same。　Samantha　didn’t　want　him　to　stand　for　the　council；　but　he　went　ahead　anyway。　You　know；　some　men　really　like　a　bit　of　power—’

‘Barry　wasn’t　in　it　for　power；’　said　Mary；　and　Gavin　hastily　retreated。

‘No；　no；　Barry　wasn’t。　He　was　in　it　for—’

‘He　couldn’t　help　himself；’　she　said。　‘He　thought　everyone　was　like　him；　that　if　you　gave　them　a　hand　they’d　start　bettering　themselves。’

‘Yeah；’　said　Gavin；　‘but　the　point　is；　there　are　other　people　who　could　use　a　hand　–　people　at　home　…’

‘Well；　exactly！’　said　Mary；　dissolving　yet　again　into　tears。

‘Mary；’　said　Gavin；　leaving　his　chair；　moving　to　her　side　（on　the　rope　bridge　now；　with　a　sense　of　mingled　panic　and　anticipation）；　‘look　…　it’s　really　early　…　I　mean；　it’s　far　too　soon　…　but　you’ll　meet　someone　else。’

‘At　forty；’　sobbed　Mary；　‘with　four　children　…’

‘Plenty　of　men；’　he　began；　but　that　was　no　good；　he　would　rather　she　did　not　think　she　had　too　many　options。　‘The　right　man；’　he　corrected　himself；　‘won’t　care　that　you’ve　got　kids。　Anyway；　they’re　such　nice　kids　…　anyone　would　be　glad　to　take　them　on。’

‘Oh；　Gavin；　you’re　so　sweet；’　she　said；　dabbing　her　eyes　again。

He　put　his　arm　around　her；　and　she　did　not　shrug　it　off。　They　stood　without　speaking　while　she　blew　her　nose；　and　then　he　felt　her　tense　to　move　away；　and　he　said；　‘Mary　…’

‘What？’

‘I’ve　got　to　–　Mary；　I　think　I’m　in　love　with　you。’

He　knew　for　a　few　seconds　the　glorious　pride　of　the　skydiver　who　pushes　off　firm　floor　into　limitless　space。

Then　she　pulled　away。

‘Gavin。　I—’

‘I’m　sorry；’　he　said；　observing　with　alarm　her　repulsed　expression。　‘I　wanted　you　to　hear　it　from　me。　I　told　Kay　that’s　why　I　wanted　to　split　up；　and　I　was　scared　you’d　hear　it　from　someone　else。　I　wouldn’t　have　said　anything　for　months。　Years；’　he　added；　trying　to　bring　back　her　smile　and　the　mood　in　which　she　found　him　sweet。

But　Mary　was　shaking　her　head；　arms　folded　over　her　thin　chest。

‘Gavin；　I　never；　ever—’

‘Forget　I　said　anything；’　he　said　foolishly。　‘Let’s　just　forget　it。’

‘I　thought　you　understood；’　she　said。

He　gathered　that　he　should　have　known　that　she　was　encased　in　the　invisible　armour　of　grief；　and　that　it　ought　to　have　protected　her。

‘I　do　understand；’　he　lied。　‘I　wouldn’t　have　told　you；　only—’

‘Barry　always　said　you　fancied　me；’　said　Mary。

‘I　didn’t；’　he　said　frantically。

‘Gavin；　I　think　you’re　such　a　nice　man；’　she　said　breathlessly。　‘But　I　don’t　–　I　mean；　even　if—’

‘No；’　he　said　loudly；　trying　to　drown　her　out。　‘I　understand。　Listen；　I’m　going　to　go。’

‘There’s　no　need　…’

But　he　almost　hated　her　now。　He　had　heard　what　she　was　trying　to　say：　even　if　I　weren’t　grieving　for　my　husband；　I　wouldn’t　want　you。

His　visit　had　been　so　brief　that　when　Mary；　slightly　shaky；　poured　away　his　coffee　it　was　still　hot。

XI
Howard　had　told　Shirley　that　he　did　not　feel　well；　that　he　thought　he　had　better　stay　in　bed　and　rest；　and　that　the　Copper　Kettle　could　run　without　him　for　an　afternoon。

‘I’ll　call　Mo；’　he　said。

‘No；　I’ll　call　her；’　said　Shirley　sharply。

As　she　closed　the　bedroom　door　on　him；　Shirley　thought；　He’s　using　his　heart。

He　had　said；　‘Don’t　be　silly；　Shirl’；　and　then；　‘It’s　rubbish；　bloody　rubbish’；　and　she　had　not　pressed　him。　Years　of　genteel　avoidance　of　grisly　topics　（Shirley　had　been　literally　struck　dumb　when　twenty…three…year…old　Patricia　had　said：　‘I’m　gay；　Mum。’）　seemed　to　have　muzzled　something　inside　her。

The　doorbell　rang。　Lexie　said；　‘Dad　told　me　to　e　round　here。　He　and　Mum　have　got　something　to　do。　Where’s　Grandad？’

‘In　bed；’　said　Shirley。　‘He　overdid　it　a　bit　last　night。’

‘It　was　a　good　party；　wasn’t　it？’　said　Lexie。

‘Yes；　lovely；’　said　Shirley；　with　a　tempest　building　inside　her。

After　a　while；　her　granddaughter’s　prattling　wore　Shirley　down。

‘Let’s　have　lunch　at　the　café；’　she　suggested。　‘Howard；’　she　called　through　the　closed　bedroom　door；　‘I’m　taking　Lexie　for　lunch　at　the　Copper　Kettle。’

He　sounded　worried；　and　she　was　glad。　She　was　not　afraid　of　Maureen。　She　would　look　Maureen　right　in　the　face　…

But　it　occurred　to　Shirley；　as　she　walked；　that　Howard　might　have　telephoned　Maureen　the　moment　she　had　left　the　bungalow。　She　was　so　stupid　…　somehow；　she　had　thought　that；　in　calling　Maureen　herself　about　Howard’s　illness；　she　had　stopped　them　municating　…　she　was　forgetting　…

The　familiar；　well…loved　streets　seemed　different；　strange。　She　had　taken　a　regular　inventory　of　the　window　she　presented　to　this　lovely　little　world：　wife　and　mother；　hospital　volunteer；　secretary　to　the　Parish　Council；　First　Citizeness；　and　Pagford　had　been　her　mirror；　reflecting；　in　its　polite　respect；　her　value　and　her　worth。　But　the　Ghost　had　taken　a　rubber　stamp　and　smeared　across　the　pristine　surface　of　her　life　a　revelation　th